A blissful relationship is predictable and is not an accident; you can actually know what kind of marriage you are going into by the kind of mate you choose as a life partner, and based on how committed he or she is in loving you genuinely. One of the recurring questions single guys and ladies ask whenever the issue of love is raised is “How do I know if it is genuine love?” Many have made a lifetime mistake of getting married to someone they regret because they could not ascertain if they were really in love. Thus, having studied the subject “love” and having been in love for over a decade, I am of the opinion that genuine love can be tested using the principles we are about to consider and one must engage in this test before making a long term commitment. The test of love should not be focused on your mate alone or on yourself alone but the two of you. It is important you verify if you really love your mate; and when you are convinced you love your mate genuinely, then you should be sure he or she equally loves you. Love has to be mutual for marriage to be blissful or else one person may be burdened with the task of making it work all by himself. I remembered when courting my wife some years back, before proposing to her, I had to ask myself some key questions such as ‘Do I really love this woman enough to spend the rest of life with her? How am I sure it is love and not physical attraction or infatuation?’ After a thorough personal evaluation using these principles for testing genuine love, I came to a point of certainty that it was nothing else but real love. When two individuals are in a relationship such as marriage, there are phases and seasons in which you could be faced with challenging situations that could shake the foundation of your relationship and if you are not convinced of the genuineness of your love for each other, you may quit. Your relationship with God and the rigidity of your commitment to each other are the anchors that would pull you through when tough times arise in your marriage. Love as earlier stated, is more of a commitment to be and to do the best for someone else; such commitment cannot be made in a hurry. Truly, the importance of testing your love for each other before you make any lifetime commitment cannot be overemphasized.
THE SEX TEST
Do not make the mistake of trying to sustain your relationship with sex; it does not work long term. Once he has had enough of you, he will eventually dump you for another lady. He has seen all you have to offer!
JULIET AND RICHARD’S STORY
Juliet and Richard were in a relationship, they thought they loved each other and could not spend a day without being with each other. Each time they met, it was all about kissing, petting and sometimes sexual intercourse. They could not resist the desire to go physical almost all the time. After some months into the relationship, Juliet was not comfortable with him anymore as he has not made any serious commitment about the relationship. She decided not to engage in sex with him again; and that was the beginning of their misunderstanding which ultimately led to a breakup of the relationship. Richard was of the view that she does not love him again because to him sex means a proof of love; hence he walked out of the relationship.
A friend of mine was engaged to be married to a guy; she vowed never to engage in sex before marriage but this guy insisted that he needed to make love to her or else he would not proceed with the relationship. However, she stood her ground, thus the young man abandoned her. To put it another way, he could not pass the sex test.
To be honest with you, I have seen people whose relationship started on a very high romantic tempo only to phase out when the responsibilities associated with a relationship showed up. Any love affair that soars on romance and wears out in the face of responsibilities is not strong. When a man says he loves a woman and desires to have sex with her but does not desire to take her to the altar to tie the knot or does not stay with her once she refuses to give in to sex, he is still a joke. According to Wright (1985), if a guy and a lady are in a relationship and cannot enjoy the company of each other without the persistent need for sexual expression such as touching, petting and possibly sexual intercourse, they are not mature and lack the essential love for marriage. I strongly believe that love is not about sex even though sex could be an expression of love in marriage; they are not synonymous to each other. As a matter of fact if you marry someone basically because of the sexual passion you have for each other, your relationship is based on a wrong foundation. No matter how wonderful your sex life is, research has shown that sex alone can sustain a marriage not more than three years (Short, 2004). Love is the ingredient that makes sex meaningful and satisfying in marriage. Nevertheless, research shows that an average couple rarely spends more than 2 hours in physical love-making out of the 168 hours in a week (Short, 2004). My friend, do not be fooled, there is more to marriage than sex. The truth is that married couples do not have sex all the time; they also engage in other important things which take much of their time. If couples do not enjoy doing these other things together, then the relationship can only be endured and not enjoyed. This brings me to the conclusion that if the focus of your love is more of physical than other aspects of life then it is not genuine. Do not let sex deceive you into thinking it is love you guys have in common when in reality, it is more of sexual passion. A man who begs for sex as if his survival depends on it will show you his true colour when it is all over. In the name of love, many single women have been deceived into giving away what they treasured more only to be jilted by the same man who professed his undying love when the heat of sexual passion was on.
Ladies! No man has ever died because he did not have sex; therefore do not out of pity allow a man to sleep with you because you cannot stand his constant begging for sex as if his life depends on it!
Do not be swayed into believing that because you had a super-charged sexual episode with your mate, it is a proof of how much you love each other. However, the sex test does not imply that once you guys engage in sexual intercourse, then you do not love each other. In as much as it is a wrong way of starting or sustaining a relationship, I have seen individuals who made a mistake in this area but repented and made amends; today, they are happily married. Someone can love you genuinely but fail the sex test because he has issues or difficulty in controlling his desire or because he has a misconception about love and sex; such individual may fail the sex test by asking for it despite the fact that he has passed the other tests. Thus, he needs a process of transformation by renewing his mind with the right information on sex, love and relationship. There are other ways of proving whether your love is genuine or not but you need to know that love and sex are not the same. Thus if your mate’s focus is on sex, the physical aspect of the relationship, then such love must be questioned.
Excerpts from ‘Help I’m in love’